— self-acceptance.
Is It Productivity or High Functioning Anxiety?
All this time, who would’ve thought you’re being driven by something different from others?
Growing up, I was often the over-achiever. I often find myself pushing through barriers no matter how drained I would feel afterwards.
I was exuberantly driven. What could better explain what it was?
While others were still figuring out where to start, I was already compiling my steps forward. I hardly ever been late for anything, even though I didn’t always enjoy what I was attending. I hardly ever phone-in sick — I’ve always been too afraid to miss anything whenever I wasn’t present.
Even when someone dresses casually for something that my head proclaimed to be a formal occasion, I would feel ticked-off immediately; as if I was being attacked for being the only one aware of the uninformed dress-code.
“Content” was not on any page of my dictionary. The compliments I received were meant to motivate yet I keep on existing in an endless wave of ‘I could have done so much better’ or ‘it’s absurd that I only made it this far’.
I was more and more depleted by the minute.
On a lonely night of December, accompanied only by piles of unfinished works and deadlines was my moment of realization. All this time, anxiety was the one that keeps me awake. Tasks and requests fed my impulse, but agitation was the one behind the wheel.
My long lost friend was called High Functioning Anxiety.
Acceptance didn’t come right away. It took me months to finally speak out to someone and I feel as if a giant boulder was lifted off of my shoulders. I was breathing amid my concerns. I’m not an expert but as it should be, it was step number 1.
1. It’s there. Acknowledge it.
When you’re trying to solve a problem, you wouldn’t want to jump straight off into conclusions. You’d figure out what was causing the problem and plan your way from it.
Before anything else however, you would ask your mind to comply with the fact that you’re currently having a problem; You’d acknowledge.
I’m not disclosing the fact that we couldn’t function rebelliously. But then somewhere along the line, we would eventually concede to the fact that we’re being subversive. We’d acknowledge the fact that we’re rebelling.
2. Research or read, at least.
We’re dealing with something that hasn’t been (or maybe won’t ever be) recognized as a mental health diagnosis. I didn’t say that you should question your colleagues one by one to start figuring things out, but reading a few articles wouldn’t hurt.
Be as it may, it wouldn’t be wise to swallow the first or even the second thing you found right away. There’s a whole other spectrum that you need to account for.
Once you decide something that easy, there wouldn’t be any room left to grow. This would undoubtedly affect point number three.
3. Accept, but don’t settle.
Settling is the easiest way out. It’s as if you’re coping with the fact that you are unwilling to change and eventually accepting you’re unable to. You wouldn’t even find your way around it anymore — you’re asking for it to sit down and have a steak dinner with you instead.
To this day, I believe that we can be several things at once; not comprised of only one label. There’s always another stance to digest — why settle with an ankle-length puddle when you can always dig further to earn yourself an Olympic-sized pool?
4. Slowly open up.
It’s somewhat clear: things are better with companies. Opening up about your current situation can be scary, but it’s a start for a decent help.
This could also enhance our ability to trust someone. It’s never easy to unveil your pitch, I’ve been there. However, it would make things a whole lot easier.
It may not occur to you now, but your colleagues may have wondered why you’re often doing repetitive peculiarity such as rocking back and forth, or even wonder why you’re so difficult to read. They wouldn’t know unless you decide otherwise. Think of it as you’re buying your own space to grow.
Keep in mind, information is a double-edged sword especially those of how we function internally. Be extremely careful of who you trust.
After all that has been said, I strongly advise you to discard thoughts of not being able to make it all this time without anxiety. Start stating to your reflection, “I couldn’t have possibly made it without you.”
It will inevitably take some time to make balanced adjustments. Keep in mind that we all have a different pace.
You’ll get there eventually, as long as you don’t stop.
